It seems taboo to bring up this subject, but maybe I’m the only person that’s ever felt anger towards God. If that’s the case, then this blog will give you a glimpse into a time when my anger towards God was pretty severe.
As I take an aerial view of my life, I realize it hasn’t always been easy. There have been plenty of ups and downs, things of my own doing and things that have come my way by mere happenstance. The backdrop of my anger towards God occurred after I became very ill within a few months of having my daughter. It was a very painful time physically which transferred to my emotional state as well. I couldn’t fathom what I had done to deserve what I was going through. I was filled with self-pity and sadness at a time when I should have been happy as a new mother. Anger started to burn in my soul towards God, who I considered the only one that could have allowed or stopped this pain from happening.
Where was He? This was a question I constantly asked myself. My thoughts circled around countless lists of what I considered my good traits that should have outweighed my bad traits, which may have been the cause of such suffering. As far as I was concerned God miscounted, I became distraught and downright mad, but I’d put on a mask every day and act like I understood what was happening to me. Here are three things I didn’t take into consideration as I burned with anger.
1. I thought my anger was invisible to God.
Somehow I rationalized in my head that if I didn’t admit how mad I was, He wouldn’t know about it. I believed in God’s Sovereignty over everything; yet, somehow I thought He wouldn’t be able to pick up on this emotion I was carrying around. Even though Psalm 139:2 clearly states He knows our thoughts from afar, I figured He didn’t know mine.
2. Admitting where I was would bring freedom
It took some time, but I learned building a relationship with God would make me comfortable enough to tell Him how I felt or why I was feeling that way. Telling Him didn’t necessarily mean the situation would change, but it would allow a barrier to be erased and then God would be able to provide the comfort I needed. Take a look at 2 Cor 1:3, Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort…
3. God loves me
When I was in the midst of my suffering, it was hard to imagine that God loved me versus scorned me. As I learned more and more about scripture, several verses reassured me of His love. I hope they will do the same for you.
2 Cor 4:17
For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
None of this understanding and revelation took place overnight. It’s easy to be mad at someone you know little about, but once I began building a greater relationship with God it was hard to stay mad. I began to understand that going through suffering was the catalyst for a strong relationship with the Lord. I became stronger and better able to endure life’s circumstances and my story has helped me to encourage others.